I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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