I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
