I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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