I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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