The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
