I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Randomize
