Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
