I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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