what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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