the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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