Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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