paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
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