can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
