I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I just want nice things and good sex
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
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