Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
