Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
