If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
