I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
