you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Randomize
