ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Life is so much better after having sex.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
