i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
