I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Randomize
