I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
how does that bad decision feel?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
