I haven't been this sober since birth.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize
