Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
