How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
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