Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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