I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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