I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Randomize
