Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
