haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
