I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Never underestimate the power of titties
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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