Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
