Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Found the puke drawer
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
