He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Randomize
