I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
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