I'm so fucking centered right now
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
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