Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
