I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
