he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
