i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
