they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Randomize
