i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
