The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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