Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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