SEEEEXXX PLEASE
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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