Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
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