Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Last time i carry you out of a forest
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
