Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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