I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
Randomize
